Nathan Edward Williams

The Monkey Diet Experiment

Here is the daily record of my thoughts and physical state during this experiment (I'll leave any judgments as to my mental state up to you).


Day 0
Weight: 189.6 lbs
Digestive function: Good
Amount Eaten: Three biscuits (I just picked it up today, and wanted to try it out. Since I'd already eaten "regular" food, I won't start until next week.
Mood: Fine

You know, "highly palatable" probably wouldn't have been my first choice to describe this stuff. Maybe it's an acquired taste, or at least, I hope it's an acquired taste. They're pretty bland, which really is a good thing. Bland at least doesn't taste like shit. It doesn't really taste like anything. If I had to describe their flavor, I'd say they're like an unsweetened biscotti, or a very dry piece of whole grain bread. Maybe rye.

They smell a touch like dog food, but don't really taste like dog food. Yes, I've eaten dog food. Just one piece a few weeks ago. It was pretty terrible. I guess I should eat some of my cat's food too, just for comparison. You know, to be scientific.

Considering that about 30% of this stuff is protein, I'm surprised they don't taste like meat at all. Must be all the soy. I bet these could really catch on in Boulder. I could market my own brand of health food: Nathan's Bland Monkey Biscuits. All the nutrition you need, none of the taste!

Seriously, though, I think these would be great as emergency supplies. I just paid $30 for 50 pounds worth. That should easily last me a month, if not more. Going without sweets for a month is going to be hard. Normally I can only go a few hours. Seriously, I try to fit dessert into every meal. Maybe that's why I'm 30 pounds overweight.

I forgot to weigh myself this morning, I'll have to do it when I get home.


Day 1
Weight: 187.4 lbs
Digestive function: Good
Amount Eaten: 12 oz
Mood: Tired

It helps to try and think of it as a cracker or health food biscuit. It doesn't help to think, "Wow, this kinda smells like dog food." If anything, it reminds me of those crackers you feed to giraffes. Very strong wheat or whole grain flavor, but bland and crumbly all the same.

You know, these things have a wicked aftertaste. And I mean wicked as in "Wicked Witch of the West," not wicked as in "Awesome." If you've ever taken Cold-EEZE® before, you know what I'm talking about. After eating the biscuits, I have a strong mineral taste in my mouth, like I've been sucking on a bitter penny. Must be all the added vitamins and minerals.

Having something to drink afterwards, like Diet Pepsi®, helps wash out that taste, but it's still a concern. I'm not sure I can make it a whole week, much less a whole month on this stuff.


Day 2
Weight: 185.6 lbs
Digestive function: Fine
Amount Eaten: 6 oz
Mood: Good

Alright, I have a confession to make. I slipped last night. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And a few other things. I was really hungry when I got home, and didn't want to eat any more dried biscuits. I guess I should have eased into this. At any rate, I'm back on the wagon this morning and feeling good.

It's kind of a moot point, though. My grandmother died earlier this week, and I'm driving to Illinois for the funeral in two days. I don't want to have to mess with bringing a bunch of monkey diet with me, and I'd prefer not to have to explain it to everyone out there. So I plan to eat whatever the hell I want while I'm gone. I'll try again when I get back on Thursday (10/05/06).

In the meantime, We'll see if I can keep this up till we leave. I lost 1.8 pounds yesterday, so I think we're off to a good start.


Day 3
Weight: 185.0 lbs
Digestive function: Fine
Amount Eaten: 10 oz
Mood: Worried

Wow, that didn't take long. I start the day fine, but about halfway through I'm dying to eat some chocolate or even just the wrapper from a Big Mac®. I'm also concerned that this stuff might be bad for my teeth. There's a definite grit to it, and after crunching on it all day, some of my teeth hurt, which I suppose could just be a cavity. I think we'll put this project on hold for the time being. Maybe I can try it for just a week and get better results. I think the prospect of eating just Monkey Diet for a whole month is too daunting.


Day 0.5
Weight: 192.6 lbs (Yikes!)
Digestive function: Fine
Amount Eaten: 12 oz
Mood: Mixed

Okay, now that we've crossed the 190 pound mark, I think it's time to try this again. Same rules as before, but my objective will be only to do it for eight days. I know that's a lot less than I originally promised, but it will at least be longer than the Angry Man kept it up. I'm also going to "ease" into it, as I think that will help. That's why today is day 0.5. When I'm back to whole numbers, we'll officially start the eight days. So today I've eaten a fair amount of Monkey Diet, along with some Butterfingers® and a blueberry muffin for breakfast. Tomorrow we try to eat even less good food!


Day 0.75
Weight: 191.4 lbs
Digestive function: A bit gassy, but then again I'm always a bit gassy.
Amount Eaten: 10 oz
Mood: Surly, but I didn't sleep well last night.

Wow, I think I've answered the question of why they don't make Human Chow. While this stuff is fine for emergency rations, you get sick of it pretty damn quickly. I haven't even started this diet in earnest, and already I'm dying to eat some real food. I managed to go almost the whole day with just the Monkey Diet (granted, after a breakfast of "Little Chocolate Donuts"), but I had to have the DiGiorno® pizza from my fridge when I got home. It was good. Tomorrow we start this "diet" for real, though. Eight days. I don't know that I can do it. Shit, I can't even go a day without sugar of some sort. How the hell do I expect to go eight days with no dessert, much less any entrees? Stay tuned.


Day 1 (again)
Weight: 191.0 lbs
Digestive function: My gas reeks something awful, but everything else is smooth...
Amount Eaten: 16 oz
Mood: Apprehensive

So far, so good. I'd kill for some chocolate, but otherwise I'm fine. If I didn't have Diet Pepsi®, I...I don't think I could make it.

I think this diet would be easier to follow if it had a Slim Fast motif. You know, where you drink two shakes over the course of a day, but get to have a "sensible" meal at the end. They even let you have candy bar now and again. I do wish this stuff wasn't so crunchy. I need to take a sip of something with each biscuit to avoid cracking a crown. Seriously, though, I may have to add some bread to the baggies to soften them up a bit (I'll be sure to throw the bread away).

It's encouraging that I lost 0.4 pounds yesterday even though I ate a lot of crap. Granted, I probably lose more than that every time I take a piss, but I'll take what victories I can. That still leave almost 40 pounds I'd like to lose. I don't quite know when my gut got here, but damn, it sure got big quickly!


Day 2
Weight: 191.0 lbs
Digestive function: Fine.
Amount Eaten: 8 oz
Mood: Bitchy

Fuck it, I'm done. I don't want to eat this crap anymore. I concede to The Angry Man. I honestly don't know how he went a week on this shit.